Helping Those In Pain

I’m approached often by people who have friends or family who have been cheated on by their spouse. They want to know what they can do to help them, how they can reach out to them and what they need most. There’s not a simple answer. Everyone reacts differently to the situation, but the pain and emotions are very similar I’ve found. I don’t think I can adequately give you everything you need in a few hundred words, but I’ll tell you what I needed most during that time in my life.

The first thing to understand is that they’re in pain from the betrayal. If they have kids, they will try to be strong for them. I imagine they will find a place to weep once the kids are asleep. They need some kind of outlet for that kind of pain. Without an outlet, pain turns to rage and a bad situation can easily be made worse. Everyone has a different outlet. I had to do things to keep my mind occupied. I painted my house over and over. I cleaned the grout around every tile with a toothbrush. I needed someone to listen who could understand my pain instead of just saying, “I’m sorry” or “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” or “I never liked them anyway.” They were empty phrases from people who didn’t know what I was experiencing. For this, they need someone to listen without judging.

The next thing you should know is that it is unbelievably embarrassing for them. The hardest thing to do is face family and friends and admit your spouse cheated on you. I didn’t want anyone to know about it in case she came home. I didn’t want her to think she couldn’t come back because everyone knew. I didn’t want others to know because it made me look like a failure as a spouse. I thought that If I had been able to be the spouse they needed, they wouldn’t have cheated on me. I was the first person in the history of my family to go through a divorce and that made it worse. Not only did I feel like a second rate Christian, now I’m the guy in the family who couldn’t keep a wife. For this, they need acceptance without a bunch of questions.

The last thing I’ll mention in this post is that through all the pain and embarrassment, there is still a desire for their spouse to get their head on straight and come home. For months, every time I turned on the road to my house, I would look in the driveway and pray her car would be there. Even after all the pain and embarrassment, I thought that if she would just come home, it would be like nothing ever happened and I could get away from the pain. I thought everything would be better if she came to her senses and returned. Without her, it was like trying to walk without one leg. I had grown used to having two legs and if she returned, I could walk again. It may not make sense to you if you haven’t been in those shoes. For this, they need understanding without ridicule.

Above all else, they need prayer. They need someone to hold them up because they don’t have the strength to help themselves in their time of need. They need friends instead of judges. They need support instead of questions. They don’t always want to talk about it so don’t press them on it. When they’re ready, they’ll talk to you about it. Be a listening ear without attacking their spouse. Don’t say phrases like, “I never liked them.” That’s counter productive to someone who, at that moment, thinks that their world will be made right if their spouse returns. Offer to get a babysitter and take them out to eat. Get them out of the environment every now and then that is so rich with memories that remind them of the pain. Be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for.

These are a few of the things I needed in my separation. It’s not a complete list and reflects only what I went through and needed. If you’ve been through something similar, write a comment about what you needed so others who have friends or family will know how to be a better help.