Many of you already know my story. I was blindsided ten years ago when I discovered my ex-wife having an affair. I logged into her email one morning when I was suspicious that something was wrong. What I found were emails between her and her lover. I read intimate details about their get togethers, the lies that they would tell their spouses, where and how they would meet, what they like that the other did in bed and how me and his wife didn’t measure up. Reading all those emails was one of the most painful things I’ve ever done. I kept walking away from the computer screaming out in anger and in pain. I pulled my hair to try to get the pain out of my body and onto my body.
When I offered reconciliation, forgiveness and counseling that evening, she turned me down. I only thought I had been in pain. When she replied, “What if I don’t want to?”, my heart broke even more. When she said, “I’m leaving”, I snapped. In that moment, I felt the worst pain and hurt I have ever felt in my life. It was as if someone stabbed me with a knife in the chest and pulled it straight down. I fell to my knees and began to sob. I lost all control. As she quickly packed her things, I began screaming and turning over ever picture of us in the house. I began to lash out in anger and in pain.
After that night, I couldn’t sleep for a long time. Every time I closed my eyes I would see the words of the emails and imagine them. The pain and fury would come rushing back. I quickly built up walls to shield myself from those thoughts and from ever being hurt like that again. I promised myself I would never put myself in that position again. I would never fully open up to anyone and share my innermost being where I would risk that kind of pain again. As things continued to go wrong in my life over the next six months, I built the wall brick by brick, thought by thought, promise by promise.
It wasn’t until I gave up on September 25, 2003, that I quit building the wall. Even though I had quit building it, I left it up to guard myself. I didn’t let anyone past it, not even God. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of the pain. God spoke to me and then confirmed it through another person later. He wanted inside that wall. He wanted to heal me so I could have meaningful relationships. He wanted to bring restoration so I could build bridges with those bricks from my wall. He wanted to replace the scar tissue with tender flesh. It all came down to my choice. I had to choose to let Him come in and clean up the mess behind my wall.
Whatever has caused you to build walls in your life, God wants to bring healing. Whatever relationships have caused you to push people away, God wants to bring restoration to you. The walls you’ve built are only a facade. They don’t let you experience life, they just let you observe it. God wants to free you from your past hurt and to break down those walls in your life so you can truly live. It won’t happen over night so relax. Simply invite Him inside those walls and have the courage to ask Him to free you from them. Others need you back in their lives. Even more need to hear your story so they can find freedom from their pain.
3 responses to “Free From Walls of Hurt”
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thank you for sharing your story and being vulnerable. It helps more than you know!
You’re welcome. It’s now been almost ten more years. God is a healer and restorer. Trust in Him.