Tag Archives: arguing

May 3, 2023 · 5:39 AM

Quick To Listen

For some reason, one of the hardest things for us to do is go listen. We live in a world with so many platforms to voice our opinions and thoughts, but who is listening? When people get into a disagreement, both people tend to talk over each other because they both think they’re right and they want to make their point. If anyone is listening in that situation, it’s usually so they can rebut the other person. For the most part, we’ve lost the ability to actively listen with the intent to understand the other side and where they are coming from. Active listening involves pushing out the rebuttal thoughts and stopping the need to interrupt. It’s very difficult to do, but is able to be learned so that we can find what is the truth instead of “our truth”.

In Acts 15, while the Church was still very young, there was a difference in opinion about whether Gentiles needed to be circumcised in order to truly be saved. Paul and Barnabas disagreed and debated strongly. Since neither side moved, they decided to take the case to the apostles in Jerusalem for clarification. Peter agreed with Paul in this matter. Then in verse 12 it says, “All the people remained silent, and they listened [attentively] to Barnabas and Paul as they described all the signs and wonders (attesting miracles) that God had done through them among the Gentiles” (AMP). After listening, James got up and pointed to the Scriptures to show what they said, and then everyone came to an agreement and sent out people and letters to discuss their decision.

James 1:19 says, “Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving].” God’s Word has given us instruction to be quick to listen rather than to be quick to interrupt and speak. Then when we do speak, we need to choose our words carefully. Finally, be slow to get angry at someone, especially those with whom we disagree. People feel most valued when they’re heard. Remember that the person you are disagreeing with is also made in God’s image. Each person in the disagreement in the Early Church thought they were right and the other was wrong. Because they were willing to listen and seek wisdom from authority who prayed and searched the Scriptures, the issue between them was resolved. That same formula works today if we’re willing to listen and be humble enough to know we could be wrong.

Photo by Giorgio Grani on Unsplash

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February 28, 2023 · 5:40 AM

De-escalating Situations

Several years ago I managed a retail store. While out on the sales floor, I noticed a customer getting in the face of a lady that worked for me. The closer I got, the more upset I got because they were berating her. I walked up and got between them and said, “You need to calm down!” The customer replied, “Or what?” I said, “Or I’m going to ask you to leave.” He said, “You better call 9-1-1! You’re going to need them!” My tone and volume increased and i said, “Get out!” They then grabbed the phone on the counter, dialed 9-1-1 and handed it to me. I told the dispatcher I had an irate customer who refused to leave and was threatening me. The police came and removed them from my store forcibly. After I had time to calm down, I realized I could have handled that differently. I was in the right to defend my employee, but my tone, volume and body language escalated the situation. I could have de-escalated it, but instead I poured gas on a fire.

In Genesis 27, we read about the twins Jacob and Esau. Their father was old and dying and requested a special meal from Esau, the firstborn of the two, so he could bless him. Their mother heard and had Jacob do it instead since their father was blind. When Esau found out his brother stole the blessing, he was so angry all he could think about was killing his brother. So Jacob fled to another country until he cooled down. It was years later when he returned. His brother Esau was coming towards him with 400 men. Jacob quickly sent gifts in groups along the way to appease his brother’s anger. When they got together, Esau tried to refuse them and asked why all the gifts. Jacob replied, “No, please, if now I have found favor in your sight, then accept my gift [as a blessing] from my hand, for I see your face as if I had seen the face of God, and you have received me favorably” (AMP). Esau accepted them and invited Jacob to his house to stay.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, But harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger.” How we respond in situations matters. Another Proverb tells us that the power of life and death are in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). What we say and how we say it matters. We can escalate or de-escalate situations simply by our tone, body language and volume. We must be thoughtful about what and how we say things in a volatile situation. If we allow our emotions and pride to rule, we will say things that hurt the other person and possibly create irreparable damage. I’ve learned to lower my volume, soften my tone and approach difficult situations more thoughtfully. I think about the long term outcome I want, and then I speak. It’s not easy, but it is possible. It’s also biblical. What you say can pour gas or water on a fire.

Photo by Timur Weber.

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August 12, 2020 · 6:02 AM

Trying To Be Right

Do you know anyone who loves to argue? How about someone who always has to be right? When you get two people together who love to argue and have to be right, things can get heated. I once saw a meme where a number was drawn on a paper between to people who were sitting across from each other. When one person looked at it, the number was a six. On the other side of the table, the number was a nine. Both sat there arguing over who was right. Neither was willing to get up from their seat to see the number from the other’s perspective because they were sure they were right. I think that’s the way a lot of arguments are. We’re so concerned about being right, that we fail to be concerned about the other person.

Each person who has accepted Jesus as their Lord, has begun a journey into spiritual maturity. Each one of us grow at different paces and are at different levels of maturity. From where we sit, and through the eyes of our past, we can interpret things differently. I used to get into arguments with people, trying to correct their misguided (in my opinion) ways. We would argue until we were blue in the face, but neither of us would give in. I’ve found that’s a way to lose friends and to stunt someone’s spiritual growth (including my own). Again, when I’m arguing and my focus is on being right, then it’s not on growth (mine or theirs). That’s a sign of spiritual immaturity and not what we’re called to do.

Romans 14:1-4 has a lot to say about this and how we’re to treat others. It says, “Accept other believers who are weak in faith, and don’t argue with them about what they think is right or wrong. For instance, one person believes it’s all right to eat anything. But another believer with a sensitive conscience will eat only vegetables. Those who feel free to eat anything must not look down on those who don’t. And those who don’t eat certain foods must not condemn those who do, for God has accepted them. Who are you to condemn someone else’s servants? Their own master will judge whether they stand or fall. And with the Lord’s help, they will stand and receive his approval” (NLT). Accepting others where they are, and understanding that we’re all at different levels of maturity, should help us to understand that our job is to promote growth in others instead of stunting it. How we treat other believers matters. When we are more concerned with growth and maturity instead of being right or trying to prove someone is wrong, we’re moving in the right direction. Quit trying to be right, and start trying to love instead.

Photo by Papaioannou Kostas on Unsplash

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July 28, 2020 · 5:55 AM

Unity Through Prayer

Our world is more polarized and divided now than ever in my lifetime. We’re divided politically, socially, on masks, on justice issues and just about anything you can think of. I’m a person who loves to read comments on social media because I love how creative and funny people are. However, lately, I see a lot of arguments in the comments with hateful attacks toward each other over the littlest things. I watched a video by a comedian recently and then went to the comments. People were attacking him, his humor, his lack of humor, people who thought it was funny and people who didn’t. It’s easy to think that the division of people is something new, but it’s been around since the beginning. It’s one of the most effective tools in our enemy’s belt.

Satan used his divisive techniques on Adam and Eve to get them separated from God. He used it on Cain to kill Abel. Moses and the Israelites dealt with it over and over in the wilderness. You can’t read something in the Bible hardly without seeing the conflict. When Paul wrote his first letter to Timothy, Nero was the ruler and he was decapitating Christians and using their heads as torches to light the city. There were people named at the end of chapter 1 who were opposed to the message of Christ that Paul said that he handed over to Satan to be rid of them. Interestingly though, immediately after that verse, chapter two starts and Paul takes a different tone towards those who were polar opposites from him and the faith.

1 Timothy 2:1 says, “Most of all, I’m writing to encourage you to pray with gratitude to God. Pray for all men with all forms of prayers and requests as you intercede with intense passion” (TPT). The next verse says to pray for political leaders, even those opposed to your way of thinking, referring to Nero. You and I have a responsibility right now, in today’s climate to bring unity through prayer. It’s hard to hate someone you pray and intensely intercede for. Are we so busy arguing our side of things that we’ve forgotten to pray for those opposed to us? Romans 12:20 said if our enemy was hungry, we should buy them lunch. Where is that kind of love today? I’m praying that God would give me, and Christians everywhere, that kind of heart instead of an argumentative one. I think there’s a time and place to defend our way of life, but they shouldn’t know us by our arguments or eloquent defense. They should know us by our love.

Photo by Benjamin Suter on Unsplash

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August 17, 2018 · 5:00 AM

Retaliation, Revenge and Relationships

One of the hardest things for any of us is to not retaliate when someone wrongs us. Everything in us wants to hurt them as badly or worse than they hurt us. Consider any argument you’ve had, especially with someone you love. If we don’t like what they said (or how they said it), we take it as a personal attack, whether it was intended that way or not. Instead of defending our position, we retaliate with a personal attack. Very quickly the argument can escalate to something that is not even what the original comment was about. When our first response is to retaliate, we risk relationships. I think that’s why God wants us to do the opposite of what our natural inclination is.

If a relationship with Him is what He seeks, and we are to be known for our love (relationships), then we shouldn’t retaliate. Instead, God asks us to do the opposite of retaliation. He asks us to bless the person who attacks us. God understands that when we bless others back instead of retaliating, we preserve the relationship. I’m not saying this is easy to do, but if we understand God’s reasoning, maybe it will cause us to pause the next time we want to retaliate. When in doubt, bless others. How you respond could help change how they view Christians and ultimately God.

Here are some verses on not retaliating.

1. Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.

1 Peter 3:8-9 NLT

2. Resist revenge, and make sure that no one pays back evil in place of evil but always pursue doing what is beautiful to one another and to all the unbelievers.

1 Thessalonians 5:15 TPT

3. Never take revenge, my friends, but instead let God’s anger do it. For the scripture says, “I will take revenge, I will pay back, says the Lord.”

Romans 12:19 GNT

4. Do not say, “I will do to him as he has done to me; I will pay the man back for his deed.”

PROVERBS 24:29 AMP

5. Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.

Romans 12:17 NLT

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

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July 4, 2018 · 5:59 AM

Foolish Arguments

I used to love listening to talk radio. There was a local guy that I enjoyed listening to, but one day he switched his format. Instead of merely discussing news events, he decided to bring divisive topics each day and just let people argue. His show began to be about stirring up a hornets nest where no one could win, and it caused people to dig their heels into their position. It was no longer a place for dialogue and the show became something I no longer wanted to listen to. I’m guessing I wasn’t alone because it was canceled not long after that.

As Christians, we need to be careful that we don’t fall into that same trap. We don’t want to be known as people who argue over every little thing, especially to the point where we refuse to listen. At times, it feels like our goal is to win the argument rather than to win the lost. It’s one thing to have a dialogue with someone about why you believe what you believe, but another thing entirely to look for divisive arguments with others. We’re to be known for our love rather than our debating skills.

Paul warned Timothy about this in 2 Timothy 2:23-24. He said, “Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people” (NLT). That’s a challenge for you and me in today’s world. Everyone seems to be divided on everything, even in the Church. We’re not to go around and start fights, but to find a way to teach people the truth in a way that they’ll listen. What good is it if we win the argument, but lose the war for their soul? When we start from a place of love rather than trying to be right, we’ll find more open doors to share our faith.

Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash

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