Tag Archives: divorce

September 5, 2014 · 5:37 AM

Made Whole Again

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It’s Free Friday! Today is the day you let go of the things in your life that keep you down or hold you back from all God has for you. To celebrate, I’m giving away a copy of “Free To Live: The Utter Relief of Holiness” by John Eldredge. Keep reading to find out how to enter.

One of the most well known nursery rhymes in the English language is “Humpty Dumpty”. As you know, “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again.” I’m guessing Humpty lived out the rest of his days broken or missing pieces. All we know is that he couldn’t be put back together.

When we’ve fallen or have been broken, we are left not feeling whole. A part of us is missing. My wife and I were talking about the grieving process after a divorce where one party left the marriage. It’s very similar to grieving a lost loved one except you still know this person is around. You’ll still see them so you never get closure. You never get put back together again. We feel a similar brokenness when we’ve let down God in a major way. We can feel like there’s no going back and that our soul can’t be put back together again.

Just because all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can’t seem to out you together again, it doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. I Thessalonians 5:23 says, “May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he’ll do it! (MSG)” God can make you whole again. What is impossible for man is possible with God.

While man can’t do put you together by himself, God can work in partnership with men (and women) to help restore you. When someone falls spiritually, scripture says, Galatians 6:1 says, “If anyone is caught in any sin, you who are spiritual should restore him.” God uses us to help that person get back up while He does the mending of the soul. When someone is broken from a divorce, a lost loved one or for some other reason, there are Godly counsellors who help restore you while God finishes the work inside.

There isn’t a person who has ever lived or ever will live whom God cannot restore or put back together again. Even though we feel like we are broken into a million pieces and that we will never be whole again, God is able to do it. That scripture in Thessalonians said that God makes everything holy and whole. He didn’t make exceptions. If you are broken, God can heal you emotionally and spiritually. He can make you holy again no matter what has happened to you or what you’ve done. You simply have to go to Him and ask Him to help. It may take a while, but you can be put back together again,

If you’d like to win “Free To Live” by John Eldredge, then leave a comment on this post or a Facebook post that says you’re broken right now and need prayer or that says you were broken, but now are whole. Tomorrow, September 6th, 2014, I will randomly choose a winner from one of the people who comments today. If you haven’t done so, be sure to sign up to receive these devotions by email and like my Facebook page here.

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May 13, 2014 · 7:42 AM

Times Of Rain

Rain is something we need, but don’t really want. We associate it with bad. It started when we were children singing the song, “Rain, Rain, go away. Come again another day.” Rain disrupts the times of sunshine and happiness. When it’s rainy outside, we say it’s gloomy. We think of the gray clouds and we think of depression. It changes our path, our timing and our plans. It messes things up for us so we resist it. We forget that rain is a necessary part of life. We forget the good that it does.

I’ve got several friends right now who are experiencing rain in their lives. Several friends have had loved ones pass away unexpectedly. I’ve got a couple of friends who can’t seem to find a job. I’ve got a few friends whose lives have been turned upside down because of choices their spouse made. For them, it seems like the rain just keeps coming. It feels like their lives are being flooded with negative things. Matthew 5:45 came to mind. It says, “It rains on the just and the unjust.”

I’ve read or heard that scripture my whole life. I was always under the impression that it just meant that bad things happen to Christians and non Christians alike because I associated rain with bad times. When I read it in context and then in several versions and interpretations of the original Greek, the Message Bible stood out. It said, “This is what God does. He gives His best – the sun to warm and the rain to nourish – to everyone regardless.” The times of rain in our lives are meant to nourish us. Just like our yards, lakes and crops need rain for nourishment, so do our lives.

When bad things happen, it usually pushes us closer go God. We spend more time in prayer. We take the time to talk to God and to read His Word to try to find answers. Days of sunshine rarely push us to spend time with God. When we go so long without rain or without spending time with a God, we enter a desert. God knows that we need rain. Of course, with lots of rain, it starts to flood. Jesus told a parable about that. He said the wise man built his house upon the rock so that when the rains came down and the floods went up, his house would stand firm.

What’s your house built on? The one way to test it is with lots of rain. If your faith erodes when the floods come, you’ve built your house on sand. The good news is that of that’s the case, God is there to help you rebuild your life after laying a firm foundation. If the floods came and have damaged your house, but your foundation is firm, God will be there when the rain leaves to help you make repairs. Either way, the rain should drive you closer to God and nourish your spirit. Times of rain are painful, but needed. Don’t run from them.

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December 2, 2013 · 8:04 AM

Sucker Punched

How do you keep going when you can’t see the future because your present is so dark? How do you begin to pick up the pieces of a broken life when you’re hurting inside? How do you keep praying when it feels like God has left you alone and unprotected? How do you keep from being angry and bitter when everything you had has been taken from you in a moment? As a person who has struggled with these questions, I have people ask me them all the time. I don’t have all the answers to them. I can only tell you how I did it.

When life sucker punches you, it’s hard to get back up knowing you’ll be sucker punched again and again. The easy thing to do is to give up. The hard thing to do is to open your eyes each day, get up and face life. I had the support of family and friends who constantly picked me up and helped me keep going. If you are struggling right now, don’t push away those whom God has put in your life to help. No, they really don’t understand what you’re going through, but they don’t have to in order to hold you up.

When it’s time and you have the strength, you’ll have to stop trying to hold it all together and start to rebuild. It’s no fun having to start over when you’ve already started and built a life. The good news is you’ll make fewer mistakes this time around and you can build the kind of life you really want. My idea of what life should be was a lot different at 30 than it was at 20. It will still take time, but you can avoid several of the pitfalls you made when you were younger. Pick up the pieces of your life that you want to keep. Leave the ones you don’t behind. Rebuild with good material on a solid foundation.

Even though it feels like God has abandoned you and none of your prayers are being answered, let alone heard, stay in the habit of praying. You can be honest with God about your pain, your struggles and fears. You’ll probably never pray more honest prayers than when you’ve been knocked down. God hears every prayer and sees what’s going on in your life. He has not abandoned you. He has not forgotten you or left you to fend for yourself. He is your strong tower and place of refuge. Run to Him. Hide in Him. He will bring peace in the midst of your chaos.

I prayed two scriptures to help me get through my struggles. I prayed Nehemiah 8:10, “For the joy of The Lord is your (my) strength.” I prayed, “Lord, give me your joy that isn’t dependent on circumstances so that I can have strength to walk through this.” I also prayed Hebrews 12:15, “Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you.” I prayed, “Lord, I know I have every right to be bitter, but please don’t let any of it take root. I don’t want this to affect my future relationships.” I repeated those constantly even when it felt like they were just words and not prayers. I believe God answered them.

If you are in a place today where these questions haunt you and life has sucker punched you, don’t give up. You don’t have to be strong and put on a brave face for everyone. It’s in our weakness that God’s grace is made perfect. He has given you all the grace you will need to survive this. He has placed people in your life to help pull you through. He is walking by your side even when you can’t see Him. It will take time to recover, to rebuild and to heal. Don’t try to speed up the process. Trust God’s plan and timing. You will make it through this.

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November 21, 2013 · 7:41 AM

Helping Those In Pain

I’m approached often by people who have friends or family who have been cheated on by their spouse. They want to know what they can do to help them, how they can reach out to them and what they need most. There’s not a simple answer. Everyone reacts differently to the situation, but the pain and emotions are very similar I’ve found. I don’t think I can adequately give you everything you need in a few hundred words, but I’ll tell you what I needed most during that time in my life.

The first thing to understand is that they’re in pain from the betrayal. If they have kids, they will try to be strong for them. I imagine they will find a place to weep once the kids are asleep. They need some kind of outlet for that kind of pain. Without an outlet, pain turns to rage and a bad situation can easily be made worse. Everyone has a different outlet. I had to do things to keep my mind occupied. I painted my house over and over. I cleaned the grout around every tile with a toothbrush. I needed someone to listen who could understand my pain instead of just saying, “I’m sorry” or “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” or “I never liked them anyway.” They were empty phrases from people who didn’t know what I was experiencing. For this, they need someone to listen without judging.

The next thing you should know is that it is unbelievably embarrassing for them. The hardest thing to do is face family and friends and admit your spouse cheated on you. I didn’t want anyone to know about it in case she came home. I didn’t want her to think she couldn’t come back because everyone knew. I didn’t want others to know because it made me look like a failure as a spouse. I thought that If I had been able to be the spouse they needed, they wouldn’t have cheated on me. I was the first person in the history of my family to go through a divorce and that made it worse. Not only did I feel like a second rate Christian, now I’m the guy in the family who couldn’t keep a wife. For this, they need acceptance without a bunch of questions.

The last thing I’ll mention in this post is that through all the pain and embarrassment, there is still a desire for their spouse to get their head on straight and come home. For months, every time I turned on the road to my house, I would look in the driveway and pray her car would be there. Even after all the pain and embarrassment, I thought that if she would just come home, it would be like nothing ever happened and I could get away from the pain. I thought everything would be better if she came to her senses and returned. Without her, it was like trying to walk without one leg. I had grown used to having two legs and if she returned, I could walk again. It may not make sense to you if you haven’t been in those shoes. For this, they need understanding without ridicule.

Above all else, they need prayer. They need someone to hold them up because they don’t have the strength to help themselves in their time of need. They need friends instead of judges. They need support instead of questions. They don’t always want to talk about it so don’t press them on it. When they’re ready, they’ll talk to you about it. Be a listening ear without attacking their spouse. Don’t say phrases like, “I never liked them.” That’s counter productive to someone who, at that moment, thinks that their world will be made right if their spouse returns. Offer to get a babysitter and take them out to eat. Get them out of the environment every now and then that is so rich with memories that remind them of the pain. Be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for.

These are a few of the things I needed in my separation. It’s not a complete list and reflects only what I went through and needed. If you’ve been through something similar, write a comment about what you needed so others who have friends or family will know how to be a better help.

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November 1, 2013 · 7:40 AM

Free From Walls of Hurt

Many of you already know my story. I was blindsided ten years ago when I discovered my ex-wife having an affair. I logged into her email one morning when I was suspicious that something was wrong. What I found were emails between her and her lover. I read intimate details about their get togethers, the lies that they would tell their spouses, where and how they would meet, what they like that the other did in bed and how me and his wife didn’t measure up. Reading all those emails was one of the most painful things I’ve ever done. I kept walking away from the computer screaming out in anger and in pain. I pulled my hair to try to get the pain out of my body and onto my body.

When I offered reconciliation, forgiveness and counseling that evening, she turned me down. I only thought I had been in pain. When she replied, “What if I don’t want to?”, my heart broke even more. When she said, “I’m leaving”, I snapped. In that moment, I felt the worst pain and hurt I have ever felt in my life. It was as if someone stabbed me with a knife in the chest and pulled it straight down. I fell to my knees and began to sob. I lost all control. As she quickly packed her things, I began screaming and turning over ever picture of us in the house. I began to lash out in anger and in pain.

After that night, I couldn’t sleep for a long time. Every time I closed my eyes I would see the words of the emails and imagine them. The pain and fury would come rushing back. I quickly built up walls to shield myself from those thoughts and from ever being hurt like that again. I promised myself I would never put myself in that position again. I would never fully open up to anyone and share my innermost being where I would risk that kind of pain again. As things continued to go wrong in my life over the next six months, I built the wall brick by brick, thought by thought, promise by promise.

It wasn’t until I gave up on September 25, 2003, that I quit building the wall. Even though I had quit building it, I left it up to guard myself. I didn’t let anyone past it, not even God. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of the pain. God spoke to me and then confirmed it through another person later. He wanted inside that wall. He wanted to heal me so I could have meaningful relationships. He wanted to bring restoration so I could build bridges with those bricks from my wall. He wanted to replace the scar tissue with tender flesh. It all came down to my choice. I had to choose to let Him come in and clean up the mess behind my wall.

Whatever has caused you to build walls in your life, God wants to bring healing. Whatever relationships have caused you to push people away, God wants to bring restoration to you. The walls you’ve built are only a facade. They don’t let you experience life, they just let you observe it. God wants to free you from your past hurt and to break down those walls in your life so you can truly live. It won’t happen over night so relax. Simply invite Him inside those walls and have the courage to ask Him to free you from them. Others need you back in their lives. Even more need to hear your story so they can find freedom from their pain.

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October 28, 2013 · 7:54 AM

Opening Closed Curtains

When my first wife left me, I went into a deep depression. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to lay down and not have to worry about getting up. I was ready to quit everything: my business, my friendships, my obligations and my life. I couldn’t find the strength I needed to face each new day. I couldn’t stand to see the sun come up and remind me that another day had begun in this new life. I bought thick curtains so I could block the light from coming in.

Those curtains were very symbolic of what I was trying to do to everything else in my life. I wanted to block out everything good around me. Other’s happiness just made me more miserable. In fact, it made me bitter and angry. I didn’t want to see others who were happily married or in a fulfilling relationship. If I knew someone in my life like that, I closed the curtains on them. If someone was happy and bubbly, I shut the curtains on them. If someone tried to reach out to me to cheer me up, I slammed them shut on them.

Slowly I began to isolate myself from the positive things in my life. My world grew darker and darker. My brother took me to a doctor who put me on anti-depressants. The thought that I had to take a pill to cope with things made me upset. All they did to me were to numb the pain I was feeling. I felt like a zombie as I went through the motions of life. I still wanted the curtains shut and worked at pushing others away. Thank God I had friends and family who wouldn’t let me keep the curtains closed.

Every time I shut the curtains, they would open them. Every time I pushed away, they came closer. One friend would come to my house each morning at 9:30, knock on my door and tell me to get up because people needed me. Day after day she would knock on my door and throw the curtains of my life open. If I didn’t show up to work soon after that, she’d call and throw them open again. Soon I began to get up on my own. I began to find purpose in my life.

Just because the person who was supposed to love me through thick and thin, through sickness and health, through riches and poverty until death had rejected me it didn’t mean that others had. Because she didn’t need me in her life, it didn’t mean that others didn’t. As I began to slowly open the curtains and to allow light back into my life, I quit taking the medicine with my doctor’s approval. Each day, I opened the curtains a little more, even when I didn’t want to. I had to force myself to get back to the person I knew I could be. I had to quit pushing everyone away. It was a long, hard road, but one that was worth struggling down.

I wonder what part of this story speaks to you. Where are you today? Are you the one holed up in your world with the curtains closed trying to keep the light out? Are you the one who just wants to quit at everything and let the world pass you by? Have you found yourself letting the light in a little at a time? Are you a friend who has been pushed away by someone you love or care about? Or are you the friend who keeps knocking and opening the curtains for those who close them? I think we find ourselves in one of these places at some point.

If you are in a deep depression, seek help from your doctor, church, family and friends. It’s not weak to admit you need help. In fact, it’s one of the strongest things you can do. If you know someone struggling, don’t let them push you away. Keep knocking on their door. Don’t have thin skin. They need you more than you know. You can’t quit on them even if they’ve quit on you and everything else. Pray for them. Pray that you will have wisdom and favor when trying to reach them. Pray that God will show you how to open their curtains and let His light in.

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September 18, 2013 · 8:02 AM

Fixing Your Life

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As I was pulling out of the parking lot at work yesterday, I felt God tell me to go the opposite direction that I should have. So I turned left instead of right. About a block away I saw a young lady trying to change her tire. I pulled up beside her and asked if she needed help. She was clearly frustrated and said, “At this point, I don’t think I can turn down help.” She had been trying to place the jack under the car in order to raise it up. She had it in position, but was having trouble turning the knob that lifted the jack.

I looked over at the styrofoam block that contained her jack and noticed there was an empty hole where the jack bar was supposed to be. I asked her where that was, but she didn’t know. I tried once or twice turning the knob by hand, but didn’t have the required strength to do it. I went to my car, got the jack out of it, slid it under her car and quickly raised it. In no time her spare was on and we were both able to head out. Having the right tool made all the difference.

I started thinking that’s how life is. When we get stranded on the side of life’s road broken down, we get frustrated trying to fix it without the right tools. We don’t try to flag anyone down to help us until we’re at the end of our rope. This lady had tried to call family members, but no one answered when she called. She didn’t know what else to do, but to keep trying even though it didn’t make sense. In the end, she was tired, worn out, upset and ready to give up.

I’ve been there in life. I lacked the strength and tools to make the changes necessary to get my life back on the road and moving again. I laid down in my living room and cried out to God, “I can’t do it! I don’t know how!” He met me there and said, “Finally.” I thought it was a strange response. He said, “Finally you’ve given up trying to do this in your own strength. Now try doing it in my strength. My strength is made perfect in your weakness.” I had to come to the realization that we weren’t made to handle all the troubles and cares of this life on our own. He told us over and over in His Word to cast our cares and burdens on Him, but we don’t get it.

He has the tools necessary to fix your life when you don’t. He has the strength needed to pick you up when you don’t. He has always given us the choice to continue struggling on our own or to rely on His strength. It’s just a matter of when each one of us makes the realization for ourselves that we need Him to help us. It took a while for me to learn how to walk in His strength. I’m still learning, but I’m getting better at calling out to Him sooner for help. What will it take to get you to the point where you can’t turn down His help?

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September 17, 2013 · 7:57 AM

Out Of The Hole

It’s hard for me to believe that next week I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of the lowest point of my life. I know it seems odd to celebrate such an event, but for me, it was a turning point in my life. It was the moment when I refused to go any lower than I was and made the decision that I would claw my way out of the hole that I was in no matter how much effort it took and no matter how long it took. I’m still clawing my way out of that hole, but now I’m starting to see daylight.

Ten years ago, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. There was no hope of ever recovering from what I had been through. I was hurt, embarrassed and alone. Sure I had a few friends around me, but no one truly knew the depth of my pain or what I was struggling with. I made a conscious effort to never think about that time in my life. I felt that if I could pretend it was a bad dream, the pain would go away. I thought that if I never spoke of it again, then I could put it behind me.

I moved on with my life pretending that I hadn’t gone through a painful divorce, filed for bankruptcy, lost my business or ran away from those who cared most about me. I figured that the best way out was to start my life over fresh and new as if none of it never happened. The problem was it did happen. Underneath everything I was still a mess inside. I was still hurt to the core. I was mad at God for letting me walk through that. I was mad at others thinking my failures were somehow their fault. It all boiled down to bad decision making by me.

Once I was able to take responsibility for the things that happened, I began to move forward. It’s not easy to look in the mirror when you know the pain inside is caused by the person looking back at you. I know other people played roles in delivering the punches that knocked me down, but I made the decisions that put them there and put myself in that position. I left myself open for the gut shots that took the wind out of my desire to live or move on.

I hid the pain for over seven years as I moved on with life. It was then that God spoke to me through Dave Roever that I needed to expose the wounds and face them head on. Since that time, I have begun to share my story being open and honest about what happened. I have found healing for the wounds that were so deep. I still feel the pain like I did every time I open them up, but I know that through my wounds others can find help, hope and healing for theirs.

I don’t know what you’re facing today, but I know what it’s like to hit rock bottom and feel like there’s no way out. I know what it’s like to think that there’s only one way out of the pain and anger. I can tell you that there is another way out. I found it. It was through forgiving myself and others who hurt me. It was in finding forgiveness through Jesus for the unthinkable wrongs I’d committed. It was over the course of years, hard work, dedication and never giving up. If I can make it out of that hole, you can too.

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January 31, 2013 · 7:41 AM

Beauty for Ashes

This is a repost of one of my most popular devotionals last year.

We traveled recently to northeast Texas to property that my sister in law’s family owns. As we drove near the property and even onto the property, we noticed the devastation that the wildfires of 2011 left behind. At first we were saddened as we tried to imagine what it had looked like before. What we saw now were blackened trees standing naked in acres of fields with a grey sky as a backdrop.

As we stood outside and stared at what was compared with our imaginations of what had been, I began to notice all of the green bushes that were growing at the base of the trees. My wife mentioned that in a strange way, it was kind of beautiful. My brother said that periodically, fire is actually good for the forest. It’s just hard when the period you own it coincides with the period of fires.

As I looked at, with my wife’s words echoing in my mind, I remembered the scripture in Isaiah 61:3 that said God will give beauty for ashes. I then thought of my life and others I know whose lives had been burned. I remember standing there in shock after my life burned to the ground. I spent a lot of time remembering the way life was before and often wishing I could go back. I spent almost a year in a daily rut of trying to remember the good old days and trying to forget the pain.

My brother was right. Fire can be a good thing. I remembered seeing a billboard with the web address of goodfires.org once. I looked it up to see how a fire can be good. It said that through controlled burning they can increase healthy habitats in the forest, they can promote a varied population and it provides nutrients to the soil that creates quality increases in plant life. The devastation that fire brings increases life.

I think the same holds true in our lives. You may be where I once was. You may be looking at the charred remains of what was your life wondering why God allowed this to happen. I know the feeling. What I’ve learned is that God will replace those ashes with beauty. He can use the fire that burned you to create new life in you. You can’t see it right away and certainly not while you are looking at the remains of the past. You have to search for it. Find that new life. It’s there. It may be just budding, but it’s there.

I remember someone speaking to me a word that they felt God had given them for me after everything I had was burned. They said, “What seems like an end is only a beginning. I have not left you, nor have I forsaken you. I am here by your side. I’m not in front of you or behind you, but here by your side. Where I am taking you, you will experience joy like you’ve never known. Trust in me.” I believe that holds true today.

You may be looking at what seems to be an end. All might seem lost, but it’s not. The fires burned away what was temporary in your life. God wants to create a new beginning in you. He wants to bring you life. He holds to His promise that He will never leave you or forsake you. He knows and sees the pain you have for now. Hang in there, He will create beauty from the ashes of your life.

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